Deer in Headlights

When people ask me questions, I react as though I’m being interrogated.  “What are you looking at on the computer?” translates to “Where were you on the night of this person’s murder?”  I react as though I’m doing something terrible or I’ve been caught in a lie.  I speak quickly and become wide-eyed and trip over my words.  Sometimes I freeze and say nothing.

My spirit animal is a deer in headlights…


Dead Garbage

My farts seem to exist on another level of stink.  They smell like the inside of an old balloon.  They smell like dead garbage.

“But, there is no such thing as dead garbage.  Garbage is not a living thing, therefore, it can never be dead.”

Shut up.