Scissor Pants

I’ve been told for years by several people that I need to think about something positive to distract myself when I can’t stop thinking about negative shit.

You can’t trick yourself.  Try looking at a yellow flower and telling yourself over and over in your head that it’s red.  Force yourself to really believe that it’s red and not yellow.  Your eye’s gonna start twitching.  You shouldn’t force anything.  Think of what happens to your butthole when you push out a poop too fast or too soon.

Have you ever gotten scared by saying “Boo” to yourself?  Have you ever tried to tickle yourself?  You can’t.

Well, for the past month or so I’ve been trying it out anyways.  If I’m dwelling on something (or several things) that are gonna lead nowhere but feeling bad about myself or feeling anxious, I’ll say the first color that comes to my head.  Then, quickly think of something that color.  Try to let my thoughts go from there.  Never really got far until my new train of thought led me back to something that was depressing or stressful.  I’m always six degrees of separation from a down thought.

Last weekend though, for whatever reason, a new approach came to mind.  I though of Unikitty from The Lego Movie after her home was just destroyed.  She forced herself to think of positive things to distract her.  “Must…stay…positive!  Bubblegums.  Butterflies.”  Didn’t work for her, but I thought it would be something to try so I forced out happy thoughts and this is what came out:

“Popcorn.  Scissor pants”

A.  I don’t like popcorn.  Gets stuck in my teeth.

B.  Scissor pants aren’t a thing.

Then I started thinking…maybe scissor pants should be a thing!  Pants that make it look like scissors opening and closing when you walk is brilliant and how has nobody made these yet?  Not sure how to deal with the handle part of the scissors, though.  It would have to look like scissors from the side. so would the handle parts be on your butt?  That would be hard to see.  Maybe an overalls type situation so the handles could be on the side?  I dunno, you figure it out.  As long as I get acknowledged as the creator of Scissor Pants®.


Deer in Headlights

When people ask me questions, I react as though I’m being interrogated.  “What are you looking at on the computer?” translates to “Where were you on the night of this person’s murder?”  I react as though I’m doing something terrible or I’ve been caught in a lie.  I speak quickly and become wide-eyed and trip over my words.  Sometimes I freeze and say nothing.

My spirit animal is a deer in headlights…

George Costanza gets it

Do something slightly different.  Eat your lunch in a different spot.  Get off the bus a few stops early.  If you have coffee in the morning, try tea instead.

It might not sound like much, but if you feel hopeless or stuck in a rut a small change here and there can lead to great things.

George gets it…

Decisions, decisions 

I have so much trouble making decisions.  Trust me, it took me a week to decide to write about this.

I’m not talking about life-changing choices like switching jobs or finding a new apartment (even though, yes, I have been tossing those ideas around in my noggin for years).  I’m talking about little things like my husband asking me what I want for dinner, or what I want to watch on tv.

When I’m presented with a question, no matter how small, it immediately puts me into Fight, Flight, or Freeze mode.  I instantly see the past, the future, and all alternate dimensions.  I process every possible choice and the outcome it may have.  I usually end up freezing and giving him no information.

Sometimes it goes the other way, though.  I couldn’t care less about what food I put into my face or what show I want to watch.  I just can’t muster up the energy to give a hoot about what’s going on around me.  In this case, I just tell him I need suggestions, or whatever he wants to do.

It’s not just when someone else presents me with a choice.  I will think about something to death even when I’m by myself.  Do I read?  Eat?  Nap?  Watch tv?  Get lost in the rabbit hole that is the internet?  Color?  Shower?  Do laundry?  Dishes?  I only have time to do one or two of them, so I’d better make the right decision or somewhere in the world a tiny kitten will lose his ears.